The effective, but unpopular, way to raise happy kids
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If you want to raise a happy kid, Tovah Klein, a child psychologist and author of the book “How Toddlers Thrive,” has some counterintuitive advice: allow your child to be unhappy.
“We all think the way to raise our children to be happy is to make them happy. But in truth, children know how to be happy, to find joy. It is not an all-the-time feeling,” Klein says.
When a child is upset, parents often instinctively look to cheer them up or distract them.
This doesn’t always address the source of what’s upsetting the child, Klein says. Plus, appeasing a child doesn’t teach them how to self-regulate, and children who learn how to manage negative emotions are more likely to develop resilience.
If your child is upset, instead of, for example, buying them ice cream or taking them to a park, you can:
- Ask them to take a deep breath.
- Have them put their feelings into words.
- Acknowledge their feelings of disappointment or frustration. You can say something like, “I wish we could do [the thing you want]. Unfortunately, we can’t right now.”
“Strength comes from being able to have these pretty intense emotions, like anger, [then] handling it and knowing that ‘mommy or daddy is still there for me, they’re not upset with me, they’re not going to cast me aside,’” Klein says.
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How To Talk To People: 4 toxic phrases to avoid if you want to raise a healthy eater
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As a dietitian and founder of Kids Eat in Color, Jennifer Anderson helps parents create a pleasant and inviting eating environment where their kids can learn to enjoy new foods.
Having spent years observing kids’ eating behaviors, she has found that certain phrases can make children go off the rails. To help your kid develop a healthy relationship with food, avoid these four toxic phrases:
- “You can have dessert after you eat your broccoli.” This reinforces that broccoli is a bad food. Instead say, “You can eat the broccoli when you’re ready.” Your child feels like they have more of a choice, which can encourage them to eat.
- “If you’re quiet I’ll give you a cookie.” This puts sweets on a pedestal, which might result in your child desiring them more. Try saying, “We can play your favorite game tonight if you’re quiet.” Then your child might start associating nonfood rewards, and not cookies, with feeling good.
- “You have to take one more bite before you can say ‘no.’” Forcing your child to eat might teach them to ignore the feeling of hunger and fullness. Instead say, “We say ‘no thank you’ when we don’t want to eat something.” This teaches them how to politely refuse food.
- “It would make me happy if you took three more bites.” This teaches a child that they should eat certain foods to appease you, rather than because it is healthy. Explain the benefits by saying something like, “Carrots have lots of vitamin A, which is good for your vision.” Providing facts might encourage them to learn about new foods.
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VIDEO: The No. 1 thing every parent should teach their kid
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Esther Wojcicki is the author of “How to Raise Successful People.” She is also the parent of two CEOs and a doctor. To raise kids who grow into successful adults, she suggests one simple practice: implement a team mindset.
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Speed Read: Mom’s 7 rules to be happy and successful as you get older
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A few years ago, Make It editor Cameron Albert-Deitch watched a friend have a panic attack over the prospect of turning 30.
To him, this was odd.
“I’ve never felt anxious about a birthday,” he says. “I credit that to my mom’s ‘rules of aging,’ which have been ingrained in my head ever since I can remember.”
The rules go:
- Your 20s are mostly practice — they almost don’t count.
- Your 30s are when you figure out who you’re going to be.
- You don’t pick up speed until your 40s.
- You don’t gain real momentum until your 50s.
- You likely won’t have made your most significant, make-a-difference-in-the-world achievements until your 60s.
- In your 70s, you’re reinventing yourself.
- You therefore cannot possibly be old until you’re well into your 80s. And even then, it’s iffy.
Internalizing these guidelines can help you feel a lot better about getting older, he says. That can make you healthier and help you lead a more successful life.
Take it from Albert-Deitch’s mom, Corey-Jan Albert, who created these rules 25 years ago and says they’ve been useful ever since.
“Even now, at age 59, I have never felt bad about a birthday,” she told him. “They’ve all proven true.”
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