After the relatively modest 1-0 win over alleged “world No. 1” Brazil in the first round of matches, North Korea stepped up a notch against Portugal, showing the whole world what they’re capable of when putting in 10 percent worth of effort.
Jong Tae-se made the sacrifice of running today and decided to put the ball in the back of the net himself seven times. This gave our glorious nation a well-deserved, very easily achieved 7-0 win over the Portuguese, who apparently are supposed to be the third best team in the world. Apparently.
Before we continue, striker Jong Tae-se didn’t cry this time during our beloved country’s national anthem (which according to dear leader Kim Jong-Il has reached number one in the music charts in 179 countries worldwide).
Instead he closed his eyes, imagining what Earth would be like if the North Korean politicians were as good at world domination as the footballers are.
Anyway, back to the match. Unlike in the first game where we let Brazil have possession so as to make them believe they could score, today against Portugal we didn’t bother with that nonsense.
Rather, common household names to the Western world like Hong Yong-Jo, Kim Jong-Yun, Nam Song-Chol, Cha Yong-Hyok, and of course Jong Tae-se, ran the show, again proving why the likes of Real Madrid, Barcelona, Manchester City and Chelsea have offered £1billion for each of these players.
Many reports from the wicked Western world, however, actually have the audacity to claim Portugal were the team to win 7-0!
Yes, that’s right, a team full of nobodies captained by some bloke no-one’s heard of called Cristiano Ronaldo, who’s apparently the “most expensive player in the world”—after Hong Yong-Jo, Kim Jong-Yun, Nam Song-Chol, Cha Yong-Hyok, and Jong Tae-se, that is.
Obviously it’s not the case that Portugal won, but if you want to know why the Western media have made such scandalous allegations, it’s because they are indeed wicked westerners.
If you wish to seek further clarification on this issue, our dear leader Kim Jong-Il will personally ensure that you are permanently exiled from the country.
Overall, it was a comfortable, routine win for North Korea, who did well to put in anything over five percent effort against a far more inferior opposing team.
Another great game for this glorious nation as they look to cruise to 2010 FIFA World Cup glory by being the only team ever to win the competition using less than 10 percent of their maximum effort.
Well, North Korea is the only ever team to win the tournament, but you get what I mean. The only ever North Korea team not to go “all out for the win” and instead let the win come to them.
After this very easy annihilation of Portugal, FIFA thanked North Korea for the incredibly kind gesture of only scoring seven goals.
The world football governing body’s president Sepp Blatter said, “We would like to thank North Korea very much for only beating Portugal 7-0.
“We recognise the North Koreans could’ve easily won 30-0 putting in two percent effort, so we would like to thank them a lot for keeping the score low and competitive, as well as putting in a whopping five percent of effort.
“Thanks to my homeboy Kim Jong-Il for making this achievement possible and maintaining the credibility of the 2010 FIFA World Cup.”
North Korea stay at the top of Group G now with that win, maintaining their position as the best team in the world and again getting their World Cup title defence off to an even better start.
If you want to see highlights of the game, the match is available on Pyongyang TV for all those who have signed up for Kim Jong-Il’s nuclear programme funday on July 11.