Queen Elizabeth II, who died this month at the age of 96, had very deep silk pockets. The Onion examines the matriarch’s will and who in the British royal family shall inherit all of her expensive shit.
For Prince Andrew’s private use.
Buckingham Palace will actually be repossessed by the Bank of England after it was discovered that the queen failed to make mortgage payments for 70 years.
Her will stipulates that a carriage carrying 10,000 pounds sterling will be paraded through the poorest neighborhoods in the U.K.’s most destitute cities before being loaded with weights and pushed into the ocean.
Her Majesty the Queen specifically listed this as what is to be bequeathed to Meghan Markle.
In a final posthumous gambit to protect her son from pedophilia accusations, Queen Elizabeth’s will explained how all allegations should be transferred to Harry and Meghan’s firstborn, Archie.
The people of the United Kingdom will move to Spain after being inherited by the queen’s third cousin once removed King Felipe VI.
Shot on sight and body burned in order to leave no evidence of her existence.
The queen’s three hats are being given to her grandchildren.
Bequeathed to Prince Harry so he can carry on the family’s cigarette tradition.
This item is listed to be passed down to the next female member of the royal family in line for the crown, but unfortunately perished alongside Princess Diana.
Once set at the queen’s bedside, the skull of Diana, Princess of Wales, will be handed over to Charles.
A notorious hoarder, Queen Elizabeth saved a copy of The Daily Telegraph every single day of her life and stated in her will that all 35,000 copies would go to Prince William.
This golden umbrella-shaped crown, perfect for keeping harmful rays out of Her Majesty’s eyes while she had fun in the sun, will be listed on Facebook Marketplace.
The Olympic-sized swimming pool refilled with commoner blood twice a day will be left along with the rest of Buckingham Palace to the newly crowned King Charles III.
The queen’s mysterious, wily half-jester half-concubine of indeterminate age will be sent to Prince William’s estate in Cornwall.
This rare and priceless collection of all six of the Tudor monarch’s wife heads will be left to the queen’s grandson George.
Along with the queen’s other singular items of historical importance, the pig that former U.K. prime minister David Cameron inserted his testicles into while at university will be donated to the British Museum.
Still under the impression that it belonged to England, the queen bequeathed the United States to Prince George, technically making the 9-year-old our king.
Elizabeth’s will states that she shall bequeath over 10 gallons of her late husband’s seed to Princess Beatrice of York for all future inbreeding needs.
The queen has left her vast collection of Nazi memorabilia to Prince George so he may continue the family tradition.