Gen Y Speaks
I wake up at 6am, get the children ready and drive them to school. I drop off my spouse at work before continuing with household chores. After school, I pick the children up, prepare their lunch and drive my father-in-law to his rehabilitation facility.
Masrina Abu Bakar is the main breadwinner in the family while her husband Saiful Amri is a stay-at-home husband.
I wake up at 6am, get the children ready and drive them to school. I drop off my spouse at work before continuing with household chores. After school, I pick the children up, prepare their lunch and drive my father-in-law to his rehabilitation facility.
In the afternoon, I pick up my spouse from the workplace, wash the dishes after dinner and iron the clothes while I watch the news on television. My day ends when everyone is done with their day and the children are in bed.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
If you think the routine above describes my typical day as a stay-at-home mother, you are unfortunately mistaken. This schedule belongs to my house husband, Saiful.
After the birth of our third child in 2015, we decided that I would continue working full-time while Saiful would manage the home and kids.
We preferred to look after the kids ourselves instead of hiring a helper. So, Saiful gave up his full-time job in the creative industry to be a stay-home dad with a part-time career.
The idea of reversing stereotypical gender roles felt foreign, as I grew up in a conventional household where women stayed home while the men went out to work.
My mother was a full-time homemaker, and my aunties spent their time cleaning the house, preparing meals, and taking care of the family.
Hence, there weren’t many non-traditional families around for me to take reference from.
Unlike my supportive husband, who was steadfast about stepping into this arrangement and role, I struggled to come to terms with it in the initial couple of years.
I had to accept being a woman who is the primary breadwinner for the family. People around me struggled with the concept too, and I had to deal with demeaning comments passed off as humour.
They would say things like how I controlled the purse strings, or throwaway remarks like: “She’s the one wearing the pants in the house”.
It was years ago when I first heard such comments. At the time, I felt compelled to speak out and justify that my husband and I are of equal standing.
I remember long conversations with Saiful about my doubts about being the person with greater say over major financial decisions.
Because I was the breadwinner, I had more influence than him when deciding the type of car to buy, which childcare centre to send the children to, and where to go for a holiday. I was always afraid that Saiful would be uncomfortable being the backbencher instead of the decision-maker in most of these situations.
Meanwhile, I had to accept that I would be less involved in my children’s activities and leave the household running to my husband, while I would be responsible for the bills.
For a time, I grappled with such an unconventional arrangement. It took repeated assurances from Saiful that convention cannot triumph over what was in front of us: he is a brilliant house husband, and I am doing well enough in my career to be the primary breadwinner.
Eventually, I learnt to let go, and embrace the fact that my husband performed his home duties well. He kept the house clean, and took great care of my 91-year-old father and our three children, who were at different stages of their schooling life.
Over the years, the mean-spirited comments about our unusual relationship also disappeared. As society evolves and more men take up caregiving responsibilities at home, I find myself facing fewer such remarks these days.
But when Covid-19 hit, I saw the toll the pandemic inflicted on caregivers at home, my husband being one of them.
It was especially bad during the circuit-breaker period. Saiful had to care for my ageing father who had dementia and was going through depression at that time, and on top of that, he had to manage the children’s home-based learning. It took a huge physical and mental toll on him to keep things going.
At times, I would feel guilty leaving him to handle everything at home as I headed off to work. We faced the pressure of keeping it together as a couple, and as caregivers.
Throughout that period, I learnt that patience and communication were essential elements in our relationship. It was through constant communication that I began to understand his challenges at home, especially when caring for my father. It was not always a smooth conversation but we learnt to be patient with each other.
Thankfully, we have since engaged a full-time professional to take care of my father, lightening our load considerably.
Looking back, I am confident we made the right choice that worked for us. I no longer feel insecure about our roles.
For couples considering this, but are afraid of what others might say or think, I hope you will take a leap of faith and know that no one can judge you poorly for doing what is best for you and your family.
Do not be afraid to seek help too, as there are various sources of support available.
When I read stories about how women have been bearing a disproportionate caregiving load due to entrenched mindsets about gender roles at home, I understand why it is hard to challenge the societal norms about the roles of men and women at home.
Mindset shifts will take time as it requires intentional effort from the whole of society. At the individual level, we can each do our part to move the needle, by embracing the values of mutual respect and equal partnership between men and women.
Saiful and I are proud to be role models to our children, as parents who do not fit the typical stereotypes that society has placed on men and women.
They see their father featured in the ongoing Celebrating SG Women Exhibition 2022, which showcases the progress and success of Singaporean women from pre-independence till today. Saiful’s testimony at the exhibition underscores the fact that men play a key role in encouraging mindset shifts and challenging gender stereotypes.
I want our children to know that we live in a society where husbands and wives are equal partners, can equally pursue our aspirations, and also excel at work and in life.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Masrina Abu Bakar is a senior air traffic control instructor at the Civil Aviation Authority of Singapore and a mother of three young children.
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